Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
