i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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