i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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