vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
