I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
