Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
