So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
