My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
