Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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