also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
