I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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