I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop coming to work sober
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize