I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
