I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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