Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
