I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
