I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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