You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
