I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
FUCK WHALES
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