sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
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I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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