the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
