Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize