you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
