We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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