4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
