he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
