I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
