I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
