you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
