How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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