I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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