so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
