I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
