forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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