i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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