I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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