you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
