i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
