Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
