i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
