I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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