Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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