Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
