Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
