We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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