So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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