I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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