So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
