im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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