I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
