i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
