Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
