i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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