Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
