i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
