The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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