I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
