1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
